remembering

paul and i were talking about dylan tonight. we were talking about how we sometimes hold samantha in the same funny way we held dylan when he had is port. we could always feel the port when we picked dylan up and we adjusted to it. we picked him up our special little way so we didn't hurt him. tonight, paul was helping sam wash her hands and noticed that he was "being careful" the way he was with dylan. funny how we do that.

so that got us talking about the chemo days. we were laughing about how funny dylan was. he could talk really well for his age, yet he had just learned to walk--he was 18 months old. we always laugh about his cute little voice. i looked up a video we posted on the blog when he was 18 months old. i think i watched it 5 times. every time i watched it, i smiled, teared up, laughed a little, and then clicked play all over. his little personality was just so fun despite all the crap his little body was taking on.

i read through a post that i had written (you can read it here) about the same time the video was posted and was reminded what life is really about. i find that sometimes i forget that my kids are just that, KIDS. they make messes, throw fits, and need love. and it is my job to provide that unconditional love to them, as their mother. here is a little piece from the post...in case you don't want to go back and read the whole thing.

So what am I learning through all this?
That my love for my kids is so intense and deep and true and honest and real and almost unexplainable...is that a word? I would do anything for them. I know, all mothers would do anything for their kids. I think I am just gaining a real testimony of that unexplainable love. Do my kids drive me crazy? of course. Do I get annoyed by the sometimes monotonous task of motherhood? yep. Do I vent my frustrations in front of my kids? almost daily. (I'm working on that one :) But my love for them is real. My heart aches for my boys daily. I pray that the world will be accepting, and gentle with them. I pray for their physical and spiritual strength daily. Their little bodies and sweet spirits make me want to be better and love more.

i am so grateful that i wrote this. i am so grateful i have this to go back and read again, to remind myself what we have gone through but also to remember that i can do hard things. i think as momma's sometimes, we have to remind ourselves of that.

here is the video of dylan